Well, I haven’t posted in a while, and probably it’s like my last post on here, and it’s for the boy who doesn’t care anymore, well I think he doesn’t..I wish he would thought.
You were the only person I knew I could turn if there was something wrong. Writing all of this on this blog, seems so impersonal, but it’s the only way for you to possibly read this. I know you won’t, but it’s just the fact that if you ever did want to know, it’d be here for you to read. There’s still that slight chance that maybe you do care.
I miss you. And I hate myself for missing you. But I do. What happened to us ? I know it’s dead, but I miss you. We were so close, so close. And now we’re so apart, and it’s all over. I get it, it’s just difficult. I’ll just keep beating myself up. I have nothing left to do anymore. I honestly didn’t think you’d give up on me. Tomorrow will be the second month since, we’re done. Now we’re strangers, I went from everything to nothing, do I still mean something to you ?
I don’t know what to say anymore, cause’ it’s all been said before. And I don’t know where you are, all I know is you’re far, and you’re not coming back. If it’s how it goes, I tried but I don’t know. I don’t know if I like it without you, tell me how am I supposed to make it without you ? You got me crying today, is this what it’s gonna be like ? I try and act like I’m fine, but I’ll never be right, without you. I ‘m not sure how to feel, I’m not sure what is real anymore, cause’ I’ve never felt like this, sometimes it hurts me so bad, and I can’t live like that, I tried but I don’t know, the one thing I do know, that I’m sure of, is since you’re gone I’m lost and I’m so confused, I can’t deal with it anymore. And at this point it’d be just stupid of me to keep trying, but yet I don’t stop. You know, you never stop loving someone, it’s more a matter of learning to live the pain of not having you anymore. I’m not strong enough to let you go.
It’s like when you left, you turned your back and walked away, you took this big chunk of me with you. It’s like now, you are gone and I am left with nothing; there’s is just this empty void of me, I can’t seem to fill no matter what I do. It’s like everyday I find myself struggling to get by while it’s seems like you breeze throught with no effort at all. It’s like I am being punished for trying. When you said goodbye, you took the life out of me. I don’t want to forget you, but remembering what used to be kills me. Everyday, I wonder what you are thinking about, or if you are awake. I wonder what you’re feeling when you hear that one song. I wonder if you wonder. All I have now is memories, the good and the bad ones. I remember every detail of your face, I remember the words you had said and the things you did. Today I was reading our old conversation, from when we just started being friends, we were actually the biggest losers ever, it was cute. I remember it all and I miss it. The worst part is, there’s nothing I can say, nothing I can do to bring you back. I have no one to blame but myself. And I’m dying to know, if it’s killing you like it’s killing me, I don’t know what to say since, and the story of us looks like a tragedy now. But I guess if I love you, I should let you move on. And no matter what decision you take, I’ll never stop loving you.
I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand. If I’m not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am ? Is there anyway, I could make you stay ? If I don’t need you then why I am crying on my bed ? If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head ? If you’re not for me then, why do I still love you so much ? If you’re not for me, then why do I dream of you ? I don’t know why you must be so far away, but I hope one day we’ll make it throught. I love you, whatever it’s wrong or right.
Here I am, feels like the walls are closing in once again it’s time to face it and be strong. I wanna do the right thing now, I know it’s up to me somehow. I’ve lost my way. If I could take it all back I would now, I never meant to let you all down. And I’ve got to try to turn it all around. And figure out how to fix this, I know there’s a way so I promise I’m gonna clean up this mess I made. Maybe it’s not to late. So I’ll take a stand, even thought it’s complicated. If I can I wanna change the way I’ve made it, I’ll find my way. I’m gonna find the strenght to be the one who holds it all together, show you that I’m sorry but I know that we can make it better, baby maybe it’s not to late.
I feel stupid for waiting you know, I feel stupid for constantly coming on here, hoping I get a message, wondering if you’ll ever come back. I feel bad for letting you go, and I regret. And even how hard I try now to get you back nothing’s working and I feel hopeless. I can’t explain how painful it is to wait around for something that never comes, never. I’m just going to think now that what’s meant to be will always find it’s way. I can’t force things to fall into place when they’re not supposed to be there. I’m just wondering did you forget about everything ? Because it feels like you don’t even think I exist any longer, and I don’t know what to feel. For once, I want you to fight for me, I want you to prove me I still mean something to you. I was once your everything, and I hope that once in a while you think about me, about the girl who once made you smile. I miss those midnight conversations and everything we once had. I miss how you would make me laugh out of my own frustration. But I just came to know that I got used to being loved, and in one second it can all come crashing down. Now I’m just afraid of getting that far ever again, because I didn’t know I could wake up one morning and having it all hit me. I didn’t know I could miss you this much. I wish things weren’t so hard for us both, but how hard I try to change anything, it isn’t working and you don’t give me a chance to do it. Well, know that I’ll always wait for you, no matter what happens. I’m here, if you ever need me. I will always be here if you change your mind, and give me a chance, give us a chance. I..I love you.
Tell me what to do about you ? Something on your mind, baby all of the time.
Tell me what to do, about you. Is there anyway, anything I can say so it won’t break us in two. ‘Cause it’s been a long time coming, and I can’t stop loving you. Tell me what to do about you. You think about it, can we ever change ? How can I make you stay, I love you but you don’t know what to believe in.
Please tell me what to do, because I can’t stop loving you.
Anthony, can we please just talk? I mean, can you please come back? I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore. I need you, I always did. Things went so fucking wrong, I’m just so lost. It hurts like hell. I kept telling myself I am over you, that you’ll never come back. I’m sure you believed everything that I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what I said is not what I meant.
Here’s the truth, I can’t go on without, yeah you’re still my only one. I am inlove with you, and I’ll never get over you. There’s something that keeps me going, just thinking that one day maybe you’ll come back, it puts a smile on my face just like once you did. I miss you quite terribly, and I hope..you miss me too.
If it’s meant to be it will be, but what if you don’t give us a chance ?
Minutes turn to months… the silence of the phone just mocks my cry when I see that you’ve moved on. I still hope that you’ll talk to me, and when my phone finally rings I want your voice on the line. Secret’s out that I did care about you, you left, it broke me and there’s nothing I could do. I want to say so much more but, the hope is fading from my lips. I found you once, you’re lost again. Will you ever come back one day ?
Do I ever cross your mind ? Cause you’re on mine all the time. I can’t believe how unfair life is, sometimes.